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Nottm Forest 0-1 Crystal Palace “I know Walter did ‘Nam and all that,” says Jeremy Boyce, “but I bet he never enjoyed an afternoon or night out in Nottin’Nam. Are Palace the marmot in Nuno’s bathtub?”
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The latest in our featured games
Premier League
Newcastle 4-3 West Ham (FT)
Bournemouth 0-0 Everton
Chelsea 0-0 Burnley
Nottingham Forest 0-1 Crystal Palace
Sheffield United 0-0 Fulham
Tottenham Hotspur 0-1 Luton Town
Women’s Super League
Scottish Premiership
Bundesliga
Serie A
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Bournemouth 0-0 Everton Dominic Calvert-Lewin has just missed a decent chance for Everton, extending his goalless run. The life of the mind, eh.
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Premier League There’s almost no point publishing the as-it-stands table, given the uncertainty over points deductions, so here’s the bottom five.
ShareGOAL! Rangers 1-0 Hibernian (Tavernier 26)
Right, VAR has been getting busy. Scott Wright’s goal was disallowed for encroachment, but James Tavenier has just scored the opening goal. Nothing to do with the original penalty, this was in normal play.
Suppose we’d better update this again.
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Half time: Bayer Leverkusen 0-1 Hoffenheim
Has Xabi Alonso taken Hoffenheim as far as he can?
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Nottm Forest 0-1 Crystal Palace “Do you reckon,” begins Gerry Scott, “Nuno hates the effing Eagles about now?”
This is my kind of Clockwatch. But I’m not sure Walter would approve of all this craic on a Saturday.
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Updated at 16.25 CET
NO GOAL! Chelsea 0-0 Burnley
The ball hit Disasi’s hand, apparently, so it’s been ruled out.
ShareGOAL! Rangers 1-0 Hibernian (Wright 21)
Not content with flattening two of his teammates, Nectarios Triantos conceded a penalty at Ibrox. James Tavernier’s kick was saved but Scott Wright scored the rebound.
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Tottenham 0-1 Luton Spurs have just had a great double chance, apparently. It’s probably fair to assume this game won’t end 1-0.
Edit: Son hit both posts and then a follow-up shot was cleared off the line.
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Updated at 16.26 CET
GOAL! Chelsea 1-0 Burnley (Disasi 20)
Chelsea are in front at the Bridge.
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Rangers 0-0 Hibernian A fiasco for the ages at Ibrox. Hibs’ Nectarios Triantis took a quick free-kick and accidentally leathered the ball straight into the noggin of a teammate, Joe Newell I think. He was poleaxed, and the ball ricocheted to hit another Hibs player in the head and knock him off his feet as well.
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Updated at 16.19 CET
GOAL! Nottm Forest 0-1 Crystal Palace (Mateta 11)
Nottingham Forest’s month from hell contines. The wizard Ebere Eze has made a goal for Jean-Phillipe Mateta at the City Ground.
Jean-Philippe Mateta punishes the forest defence. Photograph: Marc Atkins/Getty ImagesWatch out, flag! Photograph: Sebastian Frej/MB Media/Getty ImagesShare
Updated at 16.38 CET
“With regard to Larry demanding exciting football,” writes Peadar in Poland, “I really hope West Ham get their car back and the Credence tapes.”
But what about the 3-1 leads?
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The latest in our featured games
Premier League
Newcastle 4-3 West Ham (FT)
Bournemouth 0-0 Everton
Chelsea 0-0 Burnley
Nottingham Forest 0-0 Crystal Palace
Sheffield United 0-0 Fulham
Tottenham Hotspur 0-1 Luton Town
Women’s Super League
Scottish Premiership
Bundesliga
Serie A
ShareGOAL! Bayer Leverkusen 0-1 Hoffenheim (Beier 33)
BREAKING NEWS: HOFFENHEIM HAVE CROSSED THE HALFWAY LINE. Maximilian Beier cut inside from the left, played a one-two with Wout Weghorst and sidefooted the ball through the legs of Lukas Hradecky.
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Updated at 16.08 CET
GOAL! Tottenham 0-1 Luton (Chong 3)
Yep. Tahith Chong has banged Luton ahead on the break. Andros Townsend, against his old club, robbed Son and ran 60 yards down the right. He screwed the ball back to Barkley, who had too much time to square it across the area to Chong. He had even more time to take a touch and drive a low shot across Vicario.
Chong fires the Hatters into a third minute lead! Photograph: Dylan Martinez/ReutersChong celebrates in hair-raising style. Photograph: Dylan Martinez/ReutersShare
Updated at 16.09 CET
Match report: Newcastle 4-3 West Ham
Do you see what happens, Larry, if you demand exciting football?
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Leverkusen 0-0 Hoffenheim Almost half an hour gone in Germany, where the leaders are still goalless against Hoffenheim. Look, it’s illegal to watch the game here so I’ve no idea what happened, but the old xG is 0.26-0.00. We’ve instructed local reporters to investigate whether Hoffenheim have crossed the halfway line.
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“Help!” is the promising subject of Simon McMahon’s email. “Only one show in town in Scotland today, Rob, and it’s at Tannadice where Scottish Championship leaders and champions-elect renowned big-game bottlers Dundee United play Raith Rovers, a point behind United but with a game in hand. Failure to win today would see the destination of the title move outwith United’s own hands for the first time this season, with only a handful of games left to play. And they’ve only themselves to blame. Inconsistent home form, an inability to settle on a best XI from a manager who has been consistently tactically outmanoeuvred by others with far fewer resources, loss of form / confidence at key moments, one point from nine against their only rivals for the title.
“Yet for all that we[hang on, weren’t they ‘they’ a minute ago – ed.] should still be miles clear. But we’re not, and another season in the Championship could be a live possibility at 5pm. Or we could be favourites again. For the last three months, both United and Raith have appeared to be actively trying not to win this league. But one of them will, and we should be a lot nearer to knowing who at full time today. As you can probably tell, I’m all over the place. Like United’s defence recently. That it’s come to this. Football, eh..? It’s not the despair… etc etc”
Talking of Scotland, because it’s all one place, the title of the new Arab Strap album is giving me untold joy. (NB: link contains emojis, and adult language)
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Updated at 15.58 CET
Thanks Tom, outstanding work. Let’s start in La Liga, where Sevilla lead 1-0 at Getafe with a couple of minutes remaining. This, in truth, wouldn’t ordinarily past the formidable Clockwatch bar. But the goal was scored by Sergio Ramos, on his birthday, and he celebrated by blowing out some imaginary candles. It would have been ever better if he had 38 fingers.
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Updated at 15.54 CET
“Good morning from Pittsburgh!” chirps Eric Peterson, “In the foreboding dread of my Everton’s next points deduction, this bargain occurred to me, and I offer this to my fellow Toffeeheads for consideration. Imagine if the Premier League — or whatever shadow organization is really handing down these sanctions — offered the following deal: Everton’s next points deduction will be equivalent to the number of goals that Dominic Calvert-Lewin and Beto combine to score over the rest of the Premier League season. Do you take it?”
An unenviable choice. But tell us more of this “shadow organisation”.
And after that flurry of activity and chatter, it’s time to hand over to Rob Smyth who’ll talk you through the 3pm action.
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It’s also finished Aston Villa 2-2 Leicester in the mid-table tussle in the WSL.
ShareFull-time: Newcastle 4-3 West Ham
And after an interminable 10-minutes-plus injury-time, Newcastle cling on for a massive win, which dents West Ham’s top-six hopes while boosting their own.
ShareWSL full-time: Liverpool 1-4 Manchester City
City’s imperious run continues, Khadija Shaw scoring twice in an emphatic win over the fourth-placed side that puts the visitors three points clear at the top. They’ve played one more game than Chelsea, of course, and Emma Hayes’s side aren’t in league action this weekend, facing Arsenal in the Conti Cup finall tomorrow.
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Updated at 15.36 CET
Goal! Newcastle 4-3 West Ham (Barnes 90)
Barnes has done it again! Barry Glendenning has much much more on a sensational late comeback
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Updated at 15.33 CET
Goal! Newcastle 3-3 West Ham (Barnes 83)
Drama at St James’! Harvey Barnes strikes with a well worked equaliser, running on to Isak’s wonderfully weighted through ball and tucking it under Fabianski.
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At Prenton Park, Khiara Keating’s own goal has given Liverpool a consolation goal against Manchester City in the WSL. It’s now 1-4 to City but Taylor Hinds deserves the credit for a stunning shot that thwacked the bar and rebounded in off the City keeper.
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Updated at 15.26 CET
Goal! Newcastle 2-3 West Ham (Isak 77pen)
Aleksander Isak has just tucked a penalty into the corner to put Newcastle back in it at St James’ Park after poor old Kalvin Phillips was adjudged to have fouled Anthony Gordon.
ShareMore Premier League teamsChelsea v Burnley
Chelsea: Petrovic, Gusto, Disasi, Badiashile, Cucurella, Caicedo, Fernandez, Palmer, Gallagher, Mudryk, Jackson. Subs: Thiago Silva, Sterling, Madueke, Bettinelli, Casadei, Deivid Washington, Gilchrist, Tauriainen, Acheampong.
Burnley: Muric, Assignon, O’Shea, Esteve, Vitinho, Bruun Larsen, Cullen, Berge, Odobert, Amdouni, Foster. Subs: Trafford, Taylor, Cork, Gudmundsson, Brownhill, Rodriguez, Benson, Ekdal, Ndayishimiye.
Referee: Darren England (South Yorkshire)
Sheff Utd v Fulham
Sheff Utd: Grbic, Holgate, Ahmedhodzic, Robinson, Bogle, Vinicius Souza, Arblaster, Hamer, Osborn, McBurnie, Brereton. Subs: Trusty, Norwood, Foderingham, Ben Slimane, Larouci, McAtee, Curtis, Osula, Brooks.
Fulham: Leno, Castagne, Adarabioyo, Bassey, Robinson, Joao Palhinha, Lukic, Iwobi, Andreas Pereira, Willian, Rodrigo Muniz. Subs: Rodak, Tete, Reed, Jimenez, Wilson, Cairney, Traore, Ream, De Cordova-Reid.
Referee: Tim Robinson (West Sussex)
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In the WSL, Rachel Daly has pulled Aston Villa level at 2-2 in their home game against Leicester.
And more teams, from the Scottish Premiership:
Rangers v Hibernian
Rangers: Butland, Tavernier, Goldson, Souttar, Barisic, Diomande, Lundstram, Scott Wright, Cantwell, Silva, Dessers. Subs: Lawrence, Matondo, Sima, Sterling, Balogun, McCrorie,
King, Raskin, McCausland.
Hibernian: Marshall, Cadden, Fish, Bushiri, Obita, Triantis, Newell, Youan, Marcondes, Maolida, Le Fondre. Subs: Hanlon, Levitt, Boyle, Wollacott, Mayenda, Stevenson, Tavares, Moriah-Welsh, Whittaker.
Referee: David Dickinson (Scotland)
SharePremier League teamsTottenham v Luton
Tottenham: Vicario, Porro, Romero, Dragusin, Udogie, Bissouma, Sarr, Kulusevski, Maddison, Werner, Son. Subs: Hojbjerg, Richarlison, Emerson, Lo Celso, Johnson, Bentancur, Davies, van de Ven, Austin.
Luton: Kaminski, Burke, Mengi, Kabore, Berry, Mpanzu, Barkley, Doughty, Townsend, Chong, Morris. Subs: Onyedinma, Shea, Woodrow, Clark, Krul, Hashioka, Johnson, Nelson, Piesold.
Referee: Jarred Gillett (Australia).
Bournemouth v Everton
Bournemouth: Neto, Smith, Mepham, Zabarnyi, Kerkez, Adams, Cook, Semenyo, Kluivert, Tavernier, Solanke. Subs: Kelly, Faivre, Ouattara, Scott, Hill, Unal, Billing, Aarons, Travers.
Everton: Pickford, Coleman, Tarkowski, Branthwaite, Godfrey, Harrison, Onana, Garner, McNeil, Doucoure, Calvert-Lewin. Subs: Patterson, Keane, Virginia, Beto, Young, Andre Gomes, Gueye, Chermiti, Warrington.
Referee: Sam Barrott (West Yorkshire).
Nottingham Forest v Crystal Palace
Nottm Forest: Sels, Williams, Felipe, Murillo, Aina, Yates, Sangare, Origi, Gibbs-White, Hudson-Odoi, Wood. Subs: Turner, Toffolo, Dominguez, Reyna, Elanga, Danilo, Montiel, Omobamidele, Duarte Ribeiro.
Crystal Palace: Henderson, Ward, Andersen, Richards, Munoz, Wharton, Lerma, Mitchell, Ayew, Eze, Mateta. Subs: Tomkins, Schlupp, Clyne, Hughes, Ahamada, Matthews, Ozoh, Umeh, Mathurin.
Referee: Christopher Kavanagh (Lancashire)
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On other channels … Newcastle have suffered too many defeats and injuries for their liking this term, and it looks like they’re getting more where that came from today. They’re 1-3 down at home to West Ham, and Barry Glendenning has more:
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Updated at 15.02 CET
Preamble
Afternoon everyone, as the Premier League returns for the run-in. This afternoon’s main points of interest centre around the asterisk-pockmarked relegation tussle, with Everton going to Bournemouth beset by points-deduction and takeover angst, not to mention concerns about their recent chronic lack of firepower on the pitch. Their partners in PSR crime (subject to appeal), Nottingham Forest, can haul themselves out of the drop zone their points deducation has dumped them in if they beat Crystal Palace and Luton don’t win at Spurs, the only top-eight side in 3pm action.
Elsewhere, almost-doomed Sheffield United host Fulham and Burnley can boost their slim survival hopes by feeding on Chelsea’s overarching mood of discontent – though it’s something of a long shot.
There’s also another title race to home in on this afternoon though – and that’s Bayer Leverkusen’s likely progress towards a first ever German title. Xabi Alonso’s corporately-owned club may not offer the ideal underdog story, but in an era of repetitive uncompetitive superclub title wins, for one of Europe’s big leagues to be won by a side who’ve never won it before is a rare and treasurable prospect. Expect lots of close-up shots of Alonso to come in on the picture wires after his decision to stay put. Jonathan Wilson has written with characteristic insight on all that here. Lerverkusen host Hoffenheim in a 2.30pm GMT kick-off.
We’ve also got lunchtime WSL matches wrapping up soon – Emilia Hawkins is on Manchester City’s procession at Liverpool, with Khadija Shaw working her magic again – and in Serie A, Napoli’s season has taken another lurch for the worse – they’ve lost 0-3 at home to Atalanta, who in sixth place stretch their advantage over last year’s champions a place below. And in Scotland, Rangers can go back to the top with victory over Hibs at Ibrox.
And while we’re waiting, here’s yer 10 things:
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